I'm in the process (I mean, it's taking forever) of going through all of my old cookbooks that I no longer, or, have...
OhgawdOhgawdOhgawd! I think I bust a gut from laughing!
Lidia's Newsletter - October 2005 This way of cooking broccoli opens a whole new world of...
SLop enters with this startled look on her face, until now only seen on Janet Reno, carrying a piece of angel statuary. As the camera shows her putting it in the counter in extreme close up, a clumsy post-edit voice-over of her says "NOW, I'm going to you ALL about the great BAKING we'll be doing today!!". Apparently she thought this week's ep was "Light and Healthy BAKING". She then screws up that saying about "eating your cake and having it too" that annoys me to no end.
When we return from the opening credits, SLop tells us it's going to be a brilliant day because this ep is all about "Low fat light BAKING!". She places twelve wontons onto a baking sheet, telling us "You can put the wontons next to each other b-c they don't rise". But if they did rise, wouldn't that mean that they grew upward and not sideways? She mixes some "nice" honey with "NICE hot water" from the sink faucet. She bastes the wontons and then "puts the wontons back into the oven". Huh?
For a filling, she mixes some "rich and thick and delicious" ricotta cheese with one cup of low fat sour cream (as she holds the Rachel Ray container in front of her mouth, a clumsy post-production voice-over "this WHOLE container" is heard) into a food processor, to which she cuts open, nearly spilling a good amount of the contents, and then adds, an envelope of instant vanilla pudding mix and some vanilla extract. Struggling with the food processor, she scoops the mixture into a bowl and adds some lemon zest so it tastes "nice and fresh and right out of her garden".
Grabbing a baking sheet on the counter behind her, accompanied by a clumsy post-production voice-over "Here are some that I made earlier", she buttembles the vaugely-familiar napoleons with nine wontons by alternating wontons with the filling about three levels high. Strangely enough, I think I've seen that blue boat-shaped tray before... She confides that she adds vanilla or strawberry extract to Cool Whip so it tastes homemade. She embellishes a tub of Rachel Ray Cool Whip, and uses a glad bag to apply a small dollop to the napoleons, presumably throwing the rest of the Cool Whip away. She deep throats a large spoonful of the left-over pudding mixture as we bop out to commercial break.
We return from commercial with SLop telling us this ep is all about "low fat deserts". I guess someone set her straight. Bringing out another tub of Rachel Ray Cool Whip, she declares she's going to make the phyllo cups. She opens the roll of phyllo dough, slaps it onto the counter and roughly rolls it open on the counter top, telling us to treat it gently because it's fragile. A post-production voice-over adds "this is light and wonderful pastry". She sprays PAM on it, makes some cinnamon sugar, sprinkles a pinch over the dough, adds another layer of dough, sprays it again with PAM, and sprinkles another layer of cinnamon sugar, topping it off with a final layer of dough. Using a pizza cutter, she cuts it into eight "square" rectangles and then stuffs them into a muffin tin, babbling something about how no cup will be identical in appearance. For some reason she uses half of the muffin tin, skipping every other one as if it's going to expand when it is baked. She creates a filling with instant chocolate pudding mix and instant eXpresso, mixed with a hand mixer on low; otherwise you'll get powder EVERYWHERE. She pulls out the cups from the oven and fills three with chocolate pudding and eXpresso mix, using a Glad bag to fill the cups instead of a spoon and then uses an entire tub of Cool whip in a Glad bag to place a tiny off-center dollop on each and finally dusting with coco powder. Yes, she threw the rest of both bags away. SLop then attempts to deep throat one, only to have it audibly shatter apart in her hands, forcing her to hastily exit stage right. I guess it's better than because she got third degree burns in her mouth and throat.
When we return from commercial break, SLop talks about how intimidated she was by making meringues and begins making something. Meringues, I buttume. After whipping the meringues sufficiently, she cries "It's going to be BEAUtiful!" and she starts uncontrollably licking the RA whipper attachment before dropping it into the sink. A trick to make perfect meringue cakes, she tells us, is to place a salad plate on parchment paper and use a pencil to make outlines for the meringue. With all the solemnity of the Surgeon General, she pauses to tell us "This is VERY important! I want you to turn the parchment paper upside down because you do not want to bake on that lead! This is VERY important!" She spreads the meringue into the shape of the saucer outlines to make disks. She pops them into the oven for an indeterminate time and says there two type of fillings. She begins with sugar free and fat free instant lemon pudding mix and adds milk. SLop is amazed at how fast it begins to "set up". For a second layer, she takes a new tub of Rachel Ray Cool Whip, described by a series of clumsy post-production voice-overs as "a. Low-FAT. WHIPPED. Topping.". She empties half into a bowl and adds some strawberries and strawberry extract (so it tastes homade?). She buttembles the meringue cake by dumping half the pudding onto a meringue, topping it with another, then dumping some cool whip on top, topping it with a third meringue, some more pudding, and another meringue and the rest of the coolwhip. She garnishes it with a sprig of mint, some strawberries she set aside, and some lemon zest.
patches~ About 3" diameter and 18" to 24" long. Here's what I used last time I made salami (about a year ago.) Notice that it is eaten raw. This recipe is a work-in...
When we return from commercial, we can tell by the graphic on the screen that it's now "Sandra's chickentail Time!". SL enters with a bottle of port wine. Psyche! No chickentail time! In its place, she makes a dried fruit compote. She puts port and sugar into a pan to heat up, then adds a bunch of random dried fruits and cranberries (because they're worth it!) and boils it. She exclaims that she loves the fruit because it soaks up the port and sugar and then spoons out some that is at a roiling boil in a pan over some frozen yogurt which somehow resists melting into a puddle. Grabbing a couple goblets of the compote, she moseys over to the table scape at the "kiddie table". Oddly enough, the tablescape is rather tame, consisting of cloth remnants in this week's color (lavendar) with fake purple rose petals strewn about. The compote glbuttes are set on big silver serving platters like you'd see at King Henry VIII's dinner. Sandra shows us her "clever" idea of stuffing the napkins into the lavendar coffee cups on the table before pimping the web site and exiting with a double baby-claw wave.
-- "Paper plates -- easy to get year round." Sandra Lee, "All American Girl Party"