SemiHomemade with Sandra Lee: Olive Garden

As the show begins, Sandra enters in a big rush, claiming she had to wear her party dress while she shot the show because she has so little time before her guests arrive! Why this little farce? By now, there is no one who believes she has friends who voluntarily eat at her house. While I'm on the subject, what a hideous dress! I'd make some sort of "forest for the trees" or "snow-covered mountaintops" joke but I'm drawing a blank here. Why the hell did she put on that "party dress" if she hasn't done the "cooking" yet, and why does the kitchen match that fugly dress? If I am not mistaken, she seems to wearing high-heels as well. Did I mention she's sportin' some crappy hair extensions? Anyway, she rattles off her chock-full-of-italian-herbs menu and we head out to the opening credits.

It sounds like they got someone who knows how to do those post-production voice overs a little better. It was harder to detect her dubbed-in explanation for tamponade, but the ending of it overlaid something else she was saying. She put some store-bought tapenade into a food processor, added some olives, herbs (with a "No stems! No stems!" warning), a jalapeno (with a "No seeds! No seeds! warning), and, fulfilling her duty as spokesperson for the California Almond Council, some almonds, and piled what liked like diarrhea into a small bowl. Just ugh! before heading out to commercial, SLop tries some on toast and got this somehow appropriate I-just-ate-poo expression on her face.

When we return from commercial, Sandra says "It's chickentail time! Just kidding!" as she walks in with a bottle of wine then starts drinking it before using it for a sauce. Good gawd, woman! She then makes veal piccata, which she claims she perfected, and then procedes to fry the hell out of it. I guess SLop threw away all those tongs from last week instead of washing them because this week she prepared and put the veal into the pan with her hands. She yada-yada'd about making her butcher pound the cutlets flat for her, then declared them "rich and thick" as she removed them from the pan.

had to cover up there?

Sandra declares she's scared of her hand mixer, but uses it anyway instead of the KA in the background to mix the mascarpone and labelless Cool Whip. The stupid **** holds a dishcloth up against her so she doesn't spray food from the hand mixer all over her "party dress". I suspect that not holding it above the top of the bowl running it at the highest speed would help, but I have to wonder why she put that dress on in the first place, issues of taste notwithstanding. One word, Sandie: Apron.

When we return from commercial, we can tell by the graphic on the screen that it's now "Sandra's chickentail Time!". Sandra enters stage right with a bottle in each hand and spontaniously breaks into a quick rendition of "the swim". A shame she's not wearing green and white go-go boots and standing in a cage. Finishing her quick dance, she announces she's going to make a melomn mint "perseco" (that sounds so mispronounced to me). She fills a blender with cubed melon and melon liquor and then liquifies it to a white slurry, which she pours into glbuttes and tops it off with "persheco", warning us about it foaming up as they become dangerously close to spilling over. Sandra confides to us that she likes these as much as she loves bulimis, and she LOVES bulinis! A drink in each hand, she heads out to the table scape. Accompanied by a very non-Italian "Cha cha cha!" song in the background, we discover where all the herbs are in this ep! She took a trifle bowl, filled it with sliced up green apples and water, and made an herbal flower arrangement. If she hadn't identified it as such, I would have mistaken it for a potted fern (albeit in apple slices). Are the guests sppsd to pick their own herbs for supper? Aren't those slices going to turn brown? She acknowledges that there's no room left on the table for the food so she put it elsewhere, "buffet style". She pimps the Food network site as the muzak finishes with a final "Cha cha cha!".

-- WARNING!!! Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We buttume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or being exposed to crapbutt tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.