As cutting as ever:
The Fiver
01 August 2005
Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football guardian.co.uk-football
In today's Fiver: Owen, Owen, Gone?
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DESPERATELY SEEKING STARTING PLACE
White male, 25, non-smoker, social gambler, England international, professional marriage suddenly very crowded, WLTM big club in Big Cup. Time-wasters-Newcastle United need not reply. Call Michael on (+34)14goalsfrom22starts. Please include photo of squad with striker-size gap (ideally 4ft 2ins).
Response 1, from Merseyside area: "The most important thing at the moment is to protect Sami Hyypia and Jamie Carragher. I am looking for a centre-back and not a centre forward. Buenos luck". What he really thinks: "I've got Peter Crouch and I think he's better than you."
Response 2, from AW, London: "I'm not looking for a striker. I have not made any approach for Michael Owen." - What he really thinks: "I have Thierry Henry and he's definitely better than you."
Response 3, from Deluded, Newcastle: "He's a great striker and he's only 25." What he really thinks: "What do you mean no time-wasters? The chairman has told me we're a mbuttive club. Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."
Response 4, from David Gill at the New Manchester Soccerdolphins. "The Glazers have said that if there is a big player out there who is available, then the money is there to go for him." What he really thinks: "I'm gagging for some goal action! Old Dutch flame really gone off the boil. New boss a bit tight but hinted may cough up for a clbutty performer. Might have to offload Louis Saha though. Talk to ya soon."
Meanwhile the Fiver wonders (a) if Michael Owen riding shotgun for Wayne Rooney could be anything other than a boon for England ahead of World Cup 2006, and (b) if Middlesbrough and Spurs can possibly refrain from putting in a bid?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He appears to be just what Celtic need at this moment in time - they just lacked a person instinct up front and I believe the people at Celtic will continue to monitor his progress. I know the people of Celtic were impressed with what they saw from him" - Juraj Venglos's bigging up of his client, Artmedia striker Juraj Halenar, would probably work if it weren't for the likes of Motherwell sticking four past Celtic, too.
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STILL WANT MORE?
Set to work on Joey Barton and you could win a GBP100 bet in the Gallery:
Will Buckley meets Leeds United's unlikely saviour - Ken Bates:
Cigars at the ready! Fantasy Chairman is back:
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THE RUMOUR MILL
Ever since Patrick Vieira departed with the club's only song, Arsenal have been in a state of panic. Luckily, Arsene Wenger's found a young keeper called Sebastian Viera to stave off the silence in north London.
And Arsenal have joined forces with Manchester United to spoil what was already a pretty miserable party for Chelsea: they both want to sign Michael Essien.
Ok balls on the line time..... 1776On Wed, 3 Aug 2005 10:06:57 +0100, "loveyunpleasant woman" cacked this f***in treat out! f***off - SCREAMINGWITCH! ..and that's why witchcraft is not for...
Rafa Benitez is making eyes at Bolton baldy Stelios Giannakopoulos, while Graeme Souness will succumb to the hairless charms of Andy Johnson, should the shiny bonce of Nicolas Anelka turn away from Newcastle.
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OT:RACE HATE KILLING:JOEY BARTONS BROTHER DID ITPolice hunting the racist persons of black teenager Anthony Walker have named two men they want to trace - Paul Taylor and Michael Barton. A spokeswoman for Merseyside Police said they believed Taylor and Barton...
NEWS IN BRIEF
Schalke have pulled out of the race to sign Milan Baros. "For us, the matter is closed," admitted the club's general manager Rudi buttauer. "We can't afford the GBP6m transfer fee. We could only do it if we are guaranteed a place in the Big Cup over the next three years."
Rupert Lowe says he offered to resign when Southampton got relegated - but says he won't do the same if Sir Clive's arrival backfires.
Chelsea will be down to just the 3,472 internationals when the season starts, with Arjen Robben (hamstring), Claude Makelele (head) and William Gallas (knee) all injured.
Paul Ince, 87, says the coming season will be his last as a player.
Newcastle Comedy Club have said Hugo Viana can exchange gags with suits from Celta Vigo.
And Danny Wilson has signed a new, long-term rolling contract with Franchise FC.
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STILL WANT MORE?
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FIVER LETTERS
"Re: uses for a 35mm canister. Maybe Gordon Strachan could hide inside one in the dugout the next time the Queen's Celtic play?" - Jon Crutchley.
"Now we've cleared up the etymology of Bongo FC, can someone please tell me who coined the phrase 'good touch for a big man'?" - Mike from Vancouver.
"With all due respect to Saurabh Kakkar Friday's Fiver letters T-shirt winner, and his crying daughter, if she is coming home from school blubbing because people are calling daddy names, I guess she is about 6-12 years old. How many 12-year-old girls know what a plagiarist is?" Graham Haslam, Sydney.
"Can I be the first to point out that Saurabh's letter in Friday's Fiver Letters also appears in this month's Reader's Digest, BBC History Magazine and the Daily Star? Has the man no shame?" - Michael Glasper.
Ok balls on the line time..... 1775cacked this f***in treat out! f***! what about peoples PI merlin ya bastard scroat?...steph says it was YOU who revealed my PI...have you any other f***in treats for...
"Could this be the same Saurabh Kakkar that produced the Grimleys see google? If so, where did he nick that idea?" - Teddy1066.
"Re: Alex Roy's David Baddiel-related mail Friday's Fiver letters . Is this the perennial darts also-ran, and yet another F-list celebrity subscriber?" - Matthew Atkinson.
Today's winner: Jon Crutchley.
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TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
BBC One: A Question of Sport (7pm) "A few years ago Channel 4 tried to explain the strange nature of celebrity in the UK," says Charles Day, setting the scene for his 15 minutes of fame.
Five: Five Football Replay - Liverpool v Bayer Leverkusen (6am) "The programme employed the standard A-list to Z-list explanation, but simplified it. I imagine it was pitched at people who wanted to read Heat! but were worried about the complex jargon.
Sky Sports 1: Premiership Years (10pm) "Behind a caption of A-list was some stock footage of Nicole Kidman in a frock.
Football Asia (12am) "Then came B-list - Mr D Beckham and wife; C-list - Caprice; and Z-list - Maureen from Driving School." All makes sense to us so far... is there a story in here somewhere?
Sky Sports 2: Football - Arsenal v Porto and Ajax v Boca Juniors (7.30pm) "Then came the mildly offensive caption 'Who the **** are you?' in front of footage of me and my wife getting out of a black cab outside a cinema in London's West End.
British Eurosport: Football - AC Milan v Chelsea (5.30pm) "We turned up to find that they'd set one screen aside for the premier of Human Traffic.
BBC Radio Five: Sport on Five (7pm) "Which would have been fine, but the few photo and film crews there weren't taking any chances and papping everyone who walked in like it was Elton and Madge at the Ivy.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm) "Hence the nation asked itself who the **** we were over tea.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm) "We never got an apology from Channel 4." Apology? If the Fiver had a pound for every time we've been asked that question... anyway, send marked I'm The One Making Hilarious Hand Gestures Behind Kate Adie's Head.
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The Fiver was written by Paul Doyle. Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
