New Anfield

Hot on the heels of Arsenal's £100m deal with Emirates - which will see the Gunners' new home named the "Flying Muslim Stadium" - Liverpool FC have concluded a similar agreement with a rival airline.

The agreement will see the new ground entitled "easyjet Anfield" and includes a range of enhancements to the club's profile in line with the two organisations' cultures.

"Just as Emirates will be boosted as a brand by the link with Arsenal so our sponsor will achieve a similar lift by their link to a team with a history such as ours," spouted Rick Parry. In return for the naming of the stadium for 20 years and other tie-ins, the club will get "at least several hundred quid" and a "two free tickets to Estonia each year - providing the flights have not sold out with full-fare fare pbuttengers, of course".

Although some details of the deal remain to be hammered out, highlights include:

a.. The new away kit to be all orange with players' names all in lower case. b.. Fans to fight for best seats in an unholy pre-match free-for-all. c.. Restrictions on the amount and weight of food to be brought into the ground will restrict each spectator to one quarter-pounder burger. d.. Teams will run out at the ground to strains of the inflight infomercial muzak. e.. For every minute fans stay in the ground after a game has finished they will be charged an extra 50 pence. f.. Spectators will have to tidy up the area around their seat before they leave, or incur cleaning charges. Parry rejected accusations that the fact that the club doesn't have a new stadium or even proper plans to build one in any way imperils the deal: "Not at all. We haven't got a top-level team yet but that hasn't stopped us playing in the Europe has it?"